Okay so Camp was better than I'd hope.
And I didn't get any gray hairs this week.
:D

...well none that I know of.
O.O

I've forgave, laughed, cried.

And it's all thanks to God.

It's just what I needed right now =].

GOD IS GOOD.
ALL THE TIME
<3

listing to: we the redeemed - hillsong
eating : pocky ftw!


©markgomez I want to change.
I want to move on.
But it all feels the same.
Like I am in the same place.
No matter how I change myself,
Everything repeats it's self.

Today, went to Camp Training for the upcoming YFC Camp.
And like every camp, there is always something to discover.
"we have to have a clean slate before camp"
Meaning confession.
I haven't been faithful to my religion, to Jesus.
I've commited many sins.
Even when I try to convince myself
" It's alright, just move on."

But it doesn't work.
This pain left scars on my heart; spiritually.
It lead me to hate.
Hate this person soo much!
Why?! Why?!
Why must I hate you, why must it be like this?!
Can't we just ignore everything and just start clean?!

...

I try to tell myself
" They have moved on without you, friends like that arn't worth it."

But should I end up hating you?!
Why can't I forgive you?!
I really want to forgive you.
But these scars lead me to new places.
A better life.
At least for now.

You've made me afraid. I was afraid to show it.
You didn't want drama. Neither did our other friends.
It had become a tug-of-war.
And I did not wish to play this game anymore.

I did not wish to make our friends come in-between.
But now they have sided with you, no matter how I felt about it.
Must you always win? Must I be the one to beg and ask for forgiveness
and yet; you send me dirt?

Because of you, I let go of the rope of
Tug-Of-War.
That, the bonds I've made at that school,
education,
and left entirely.

I didn't care where I would go.
I didn't care who I'd meet,
or if the school was bad.
I just wanted to leave.

Do you remember when you stoped me from leaving?
You were the only reason why I wouldn't leave that school.
Prevent me.
Stop me.
And yet.
This is where we end up.

Hate. Do you hate me?
It feels like that.
For the longest time.
I've been holding it in. Holding in this pain.

I just wanted to scream!
I just hated you soo much!

You've left me vunerable to trust.
Trust for myself.
I was scared because of you.

---

But you know today.
I don't need to hate you.
I don't need to think of you.
Everything that has happend in my life
whether soon to be or the past
has happend for a certain reason.
And maybe you were part of this reason.

Even though you lead me to leave,
I've found great stregth within my new school
made new friends,
new education,
new opporatunities.

Because of today, I can freely say.
I hate you, but at the same time.
I thank you.

And thank is a much more powerful word
than hate.

And then I will eventually forgive and forget.
All those good times to bad.
Till the end.

They really were just a waste.

I'm glad to have met you.
I can't say I am not.
But God chose this path for me,
and it has been great so far.

Hope everything goes well in your path
even if we never see each other again.
And if we do, I know that feeling of resentment will
occure.
Usually our friends will have to choose.

But I don't care anymore.
I'm done.

Maybe you've moved on long ago,
but I haven't.
Until now.
It's now or never right?

Hehe. It wouldn't matter.

All that does matter is I'm over this pain and suffering.
For good.

Listening :

So in the end.
J LA SOUL
( Johnson , the soul )
CAME IN FIRST.
YEAAAH SON.